Conversations in the Home (Ep. 2): Winning All, Losing None?

There are parenting schools of thought that tilt towards an all-or-nothing mentality when it comes to raising kids. Many stay at either end of the spectrum, where one end believes that it is worth one parent sacrificing ‘chasing their dreams’ to focus on raising kids. While at the other end of the spectrum, others subconsciously play towards sacrificing family and kids to chase a career with the mindset that they are doing it to ‘secure the future of their kids’. Then there's the middle ground; those who just tend to go with the flow without a defined plan.

Is It Possible to Achieve a Win-Win Scenario?

The answer sits on an entirely different plane of its own: Balance. A balanced approach takes into account all important factors: kids, marriage, purpose, etc, and effectively builds around these, with no part left unattended. And contrary to popular opinion, it is possible to find balance, but only with the right definitions in place. When God’s purpose for the family is known, the connection between the marriage, having kids, and the callings/assignments of the husband and wife will be understood. And this lens will give you a unified perspective, rather than a fragmented one. (An example of fragmentation is when you see ‘my work life’ and ‘my family life’ as separate and almost unconnected pieces).

We digress a bit, but one of the benefits of this unified scope of thinking is that spouses, especially wives, will no longer have to sacrifice their God-given assignment. Because let's face it, you had a purpose in God before you got married. You were once someone's kid who was being stewarded for their purpose.

For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope - Jer 29:11

And God didn’t suddenly change his mind about that purpose simply because you got married and had kids, or moved to a different continent. While your career or job may change along the way, your assignment doesn’t change/adjust because of family life or environmental changes. (You can be assured that this purpose conversation will have its own dedicated series. 😉)

Defining the balance

For which of you, intending to build a tower, does not sit down first and count the cost, whether he has enough to finish it. – Luke 14:28 NKJV

As highlighted earlier, achieving balance begins with definitions. These definitions will form the foundation for structuring your home. And what you hold as your perspective will also determine your experience and expectations.

Let’s do a bit of back story, shall we? Decades ago (in those Karoshi times, lol–see previous post), many families operated with the design of fathers as the sole breadwinners while mothers were left to focus on home duties. These duties included solely attending to the physical, emotional, spiritual, and psychological needs of the children. Among the many damaging consequences of this model was that fathers were often unaware and disconnected from the home and important details of the child’s growth. On the other hand, mothers were overwhelmed with chores and home duties, with very few getting to lead a purposeful life, and children caught in the web of an imbalanced home, trying to make ends meet.

This is a good example of a definition problem (more on this in the next episode). From the outset of the marriage, both parties (husband and wife) are expected to be conversant with their individual assignments. In fact, this should even be the basis for the marriage in the first place–to amplify these assignments. In turn, they will define the ultimate purpose of the home. And then from this standpoint, it’ll be easy for other aspects of the marriage (like having kids) to be in sync with the big picture. This is part of what it means to count the cost.

God designed families to be the nurturing grounds for individuals (mom, dad, and kids) to explore their unique purpose. For a family to thrive in its nurturing ability, these definitions have to be embedded in the culture of the home (no pun intended).

See you in the next episode. :)