There are parenting schools of thought that tilt towards an all-or-nothing mentality when it comes to raising kids. Many stay at either end of the spectrum, where one end believes that it is worth one parent sacrificing ‘chasing their dreams’ to focus on raising kids. While at the other end of the spectrum, others subconsciously play towards sacrificing family and kids to chase a career with the mindset that they are doing it to ‘secure the future of their kids’. Then there's the middle ground; those who just tend to go with the flow without a defined plan.

Is It Possible to Achieve a Win-Win Scenario?

The answer sits on an entirely different plane of its own: Balance. A balanced approach takes into account all important factors: kids, marriage, purpose, etc, and effectively builds around these, with no part left unattended. And contrary to popular opinion, it is possible to find balance, but only with the right definitions in place. When God’s purpose for the family is known, the connection between the marriage, having kids, and the callings/assignments of the husband and wife will be understood. And this lens will give you a unified perspective, rather than a fragmented one. (An example of fragmentation is when you see ‘my work life’ and ‘my family life’ as separate and almost unconnected pieces).

We digress a bit, but one of the benefits of this unified scope of thinking is that spouses, especially wives, will no longer have to sacrifice their God-given assignment. Because let's face it, you had a purpose in God before you got married. You were once someone's kid who was being stewarded for their purpose.

For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope - Jer 29:11

And God didn’t suddenly change his mind about that purpose simply because you got married and had kids, or moved to a different continent. While your career or job may change along the way, your assignment doesn’t change/adjust because of family life or environmental changes. (You can be assured that this purpose conversation will have its own dedicated series. 😉)

Defining the balance

For which of you, intending to build a tower, does not sit down first and count the cost, whether he has enough to finish it. – Luke 14:28 NKJV

As highlighted earlier, achieving balance begins with definitions. These definitions will form the foundation for structuring your home. And what you hold as your perspective will also determine your experience and expectations.

Let’s do a bit of back story, shall we? Decades ago (in those Karoshi times, lol–see previous post), many families operated with the design of fathers as the sole breadwinners while mothers were left to focus on home duties. These duties included solely attending to the physical, emotional, spiritual, and psychological needs of the children. Among the many damaging consequences of this model was that fathers were often unaware and disconnected from the home and important details of the child’s growth. On the other hand, mothers were overwhelmed with chores and home duties, with very few getting to lead a purposeful life, and children caught in the web of an imbalanced home, trying to make ends meet.

This is a good example of a definition problem (more on this in the next episode). From the outset of the marriage, both parties (husband and wife) are expected to be conversant with their individual assignments. In fact, this should even be the basis for the marriage in the first place–to amplify these assignments. In turn, they will define the ultimate purpose of the home. And then from this standpoint, it’ll be easy for other aspects of the marriage (like having kids) to be in sync with the big picture. This is part of what it means to count the cost.

God designed families to be the nurturing grounds for individuals (mom, dad, and kids) to explore their unique purpose. For a family to thrive in its nurturing ability, these definitions have to be embedded in the culture of the home (no pun intended).

See you in the next episode. :)

Many children struggle to find their feet as they go through different development phases, and these struggles are often heightened during their teenage years. They face so many daunting challenges, often due to natural changes with growth (e.g., hormonal changes) and social factors such as the family unit, schools, and social groups. And because these are generally perceived as normal growth phases for our children, we often shove a ‘Trust-The-Process’ attitude at them, without providing thorough guidance. Our lack of clarity about the original design for child development has made us (the adults) passive in our approach to going the full length in empowering them to thrive and make the most of each phase.

This raises the critical question: how?

How do we gain clarity about the authentic design for child development? How do we keep our kids from merely ‘trying-to-figure-it-out’ and reacting to everything life throws at them? How can we ensure our teenage children confide in us because they trust our guidance? And no, it's not about trying to look cool or relatable to them (that can quickly become a rabbit hole!) but about supporting them to grow purposefully. In these times where moral collapse is coming to an all-time high, and our kids have become the target for demoralisation, the solution is simple: discipleship.

Discipleship is not some religious phrase to describe new converts. It is the perfect model through which God’s kingdom and influence pervades the institutions of this world, beginning from our families.

In this series, we will attempt to unpack practical scriptural principles for Christ-centred discipleship in the home. Along these lines, we will clarify what discipleship is in the first place and why it is the only way to build a successful home. We will also establish practical steps for implementing discipleship in the home through tools like quality conversations, whether your children are toddlers or teenagers. These principles can also apply to the child who has not yet been conceived or is still in the womb.

Work-Life Imbalance

While thinking through this first episode and doing some research, we came across an interesting term, ‘Karoshi’. It’s a Japanese word that is translated to mean ‘overwork death’, or ‘death by overwork’. So what does this mean, and how does it relate to conversations in the home? We will lay the groundwork in the first few episodes and build up from there as we go along.

Karoshi is a recognised sociomedical phenomenon in Japan where employees die suddenly due to extreme occupational stress and long working hours. While the term originated in Japan in the 1970s, it is now recognised globally as a serious public health issue. In Karoshi-prone work environments, you see employees working as much as 12 hours a day, 6-7 days a week. That’s about 70 to 80 hours a week, as opposed to the generally standardised 40-hour work week. And because these work environments do not have high employee value, there are little to no regulations or policies that safeguard against this work-life imbalance. (Thankfully, organisations and government agencies are increasingly fostering stronger initiatives to curb these sorts of adverse work environments.)

However, my point in explaining this term is to lead into a broader perspective—how unhealthy working conditions affect our homes and kids. And gradually erodes an essential component of the family identity: quality conversations with our children.

Children of all ages suffer varying levels of social and emotional harm when there is even the slightest bit of neglect in this area.

In fact, there is evidence that shows strong connections between parents’ work stress and working hours with adolescent suicidal ideation (suicidal thoughts). And this is caused by reduced parental support and fewer (quality) parent-child interactions.

Where we go from here

Building a culture of intentional communication in a home is the bedrock for building a successful home culture. In reality, many parents may not be in a financial position to opt away from their jobs to spend more time with their kids. So, are there ways to manage our working conditions while still getting the best outcomes for our children? Stick around, and in subsequent episodes, we’ll expound on this.